Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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