3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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