o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
