The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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