dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
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