I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
