Kiss
Puke
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
