The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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