I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
