there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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