cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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