i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
