No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
