I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
