Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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