Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
