I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
