Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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