I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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