xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
