Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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