I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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