god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
