Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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