i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
