i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
