He uses pillows to masturbate.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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