when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
