The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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