peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
