The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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