Welp...herpes.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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