the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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