When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
