worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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