So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
