They should really pass out barf bags in church
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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