Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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