I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize