hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
