the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
