What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
