I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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