Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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