remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
