"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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