Where is the hickey?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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