My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
