if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
