The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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