she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
