walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
