God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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