I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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