My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
