So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize