Betty ford says i'm here all night
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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