The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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