His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
