I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
