Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
