also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
