there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
