Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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