Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
