I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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