you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
