If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
